I know that my heavenly father has a plan for each of us, while the plan he is giving me isn’t how I pictured this would go… I am trying to be strong and take one day a time. This pregnancy was completely planned. We started our rounds of medication and we were so excited to be adding another baby to our house. With pregnancy #1 we got luckily and got pregnant the first try.. this time we struggled. I saw person after person announce they were pregnant and it hurt. I became different, I wasn’t happy.. and I wasn’t able to be happy for others. I haven’t ever had a experience with depression but that is what I felt. I lashed out at everyone and it hurt. My Dr. upped my dosage and when it was my fertile time to ovulate I broke out in massive hives… and I mean massive. They were all over my body and nothing was helping to stop them from coming. It was a rough 3 days of dealing with them, but I hate going to the Dr. or ER for something that could be cured itself. I got in a luke warm, oatmeal bath one night and suddenly had the urge that my throat was closing off and I was being strangled. We ran into the ER and after some meds, it finally calmed down. My hives disappeared but I knew that all this chaos with my body was not going to let me conceive a baby.
I cannot remember the exact day, but my best friend asked if I had a positive test yet. I tested every single day during the appropriate time frame, i woke up at 7 AM took the test and within 1 min it was negative. I crawled back into bed and cried a few tears and fell back asleep. I look back and I was sad that it wasn’t happening. Now I am not saying I have the roughest time getting pregnant and I am SO THANKFUL for my Archie boy, I have friends who have all odds against them so I tend to look at myself as being blessed.. but if you have ever experienced negative tests.. it hurts, not matter what the circumstance was. It was a Friday and I was in the kitchen.. I got a photo message from Ty and when I opened it, it had a positive test with the writing “Were you ever going to tell me?” I ran in the bathroom and I looked so shocked and so did he as he held up a test.. I said uh, those aren’t mine. But he had just grabbed one out of the garbage to check it and it was positive. I grabbed them all and laid them out date by date… sure enough 2 were negative, 3rd one was slightly positive and then the lines got darker and darker… I was so confused. I felt so nervous so I took one last digital test that I was saving for a good day.. It took forever to pop up but it said positive. LIKE WHAT. Evidently you are suppose to watch it for 10 mins before ruling out negative or positive? Which I had NO clue about. I was instantly happy, thrilled, on cloud 9. Weeks went by and I was fine and dandy, but then after some family circumstances it hit me.. I wasn’t excited about this baby, I was scared… nervous… sick to my stomach. I had some mean things said to me that I won’t be able to forget and I became in such a slump I couldn’t even hardly function. I cried so hard, I instantly puked and I never quite knew how to word this to people which is why we chose to not tell anyone until we got further along. I just could not get on board with this pregnancy and struggled every single day. We went to our first Dr app and I knew there wouldn’t be a heartbeat.. I checked everyday for bleeding because I just knew that this pregnancy was not going to come. Sure enough first appointment, there was a baby but she couldn’t find the heartbeat on the doppler. I had prepared myself for this because I knew there was no way there would be a baby. We did a ultrasound and she saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound but my placenta was anterior so the heartbeat is very hard to find in the early weeks. I was relieved but still never quit felt right.. When we heard Archer’s heartbeat, we recorded it and played it over and over and this time, i just couldn’t get myself to even get excited. I started to become more saddened over time. Our next appointment I asked my Dr about depression and he suggested I go on some medication. I wasn’t really up for medication because I try to avoid it as much as possible, so he suggested I find out the gender early and maybe that’ll spark my interest and seem more real. We set up two appointments, one for a fun clinic in Vegas and one with our Dr office. The Vegas appointment came first at 14 weeks. We went down, and we found out the gender of our baby. I was thrilled but again I couldn’t jump on board cause I kept feeling like “something wasn’t right” or this was too good to be true. We hardly bought any clothes because I just kept feeling like I should wait.
2 weeks later came, and we saw our Dr. during these 2 weeks I had changed completely. I was able to become a bit happier and actually start to look and plan for this second baby. We went to the ultrasound we had set up with our doctor. It was a added on fun scan that we paid for to have done. My mom sat in the car with Archer cause he had just fallen asleep. It was Ty and I and she confirmed our gender and then decided to look among other things. She checked the heart, kidneys, etc. But she kept going over stuff and I thought it seemed like a long appointment for just the gender? She finally sighed and said she needed to bring our Dr. in because she sees a complication. My stomach dropped, my whole body went numb and I cannot even remember the exact details of the next 10 mins it’s really all a blur. She told us what the complication was (which we are keeping to ourselves for the time being) and i just cried… no i sobbed. I don’t remember ever crying this hard before. I kept hoping I would just wake up. You go in thinking that you will have this perfect, healthy baby and when news hits you… you don’t know how to take it. I immediately felt like a failure.. I couldn’t grow my child enough to be perfect and healthy… It had complications? What even was this? I sobbed and we went and talked with our doctor about options and he said he wanted to see us back in 4 weeks at our twenty week ultrasound to double check everything once more. The baby will be grown more and they will hopefully be able to get a better image to see the exact problems and will refer us to a specialist from there.
As you can imagine the next 4 weeks dragged on. I spent several days crying and grieving over the news and I had a hard time looking at baby items and trying to be happy for this baby when I knew there were problems. As the first week rolled by I started to be a little better and to start to accept the news that my child wasn’t perfect and wasn’t going to be born perfect. If you are friends with me on Facebook you would clearly see that my heart was hurting. A lot of people wondered if Ty and I were having problems because I clearly seemed saddened on Facebook. The answer was no, Ty and I are better then ever. He holds me all night while i cry myself to sleep and he comforts me while we talk about the future of our baby. As the weeks went on I started to get more and more use to this info and even started to tell people that our baby was having complications. I finally came to the conclusion that everything would be okay in the end. I was still nervous for this upcoming appointment to see just what was wrong and how severe but Ty and I spent several nights praying and asking for guidance at this time. We’ve done more prayers with Archer and we’ve felt the spirit guide us in the right direction to help heal our hearts.
Time came and I was suppose to head to my 20 week ultrasound. My mom and dad had came down to come with, Archer was with his uncles and Ty got off work early.. However once again life got a little complicated. I was getting ready to go to my appointment when i started getting a super bad pain in my back and stomach area. I was honestly thinking it felt like pre-term labor so I called my Dr and he wanted me to head to labor & delivery. Once arriving, I got situated in and was needing my blood drawn, I was so severely dehydrated that they couldn’t hardly find a vein and after 5ish pokes finally got me an IV and fluids. After waiting 4+ hours for my urine test to come back, it came in that I was most likely having kidney stones (which was my second choice). I spent the night in the hospital and missed my ultrasound. Luckily, I haven’t had much problems since this little episode just a few aches and pains but I try not to overdue it during the day and just rest and take it easy.
Flash forward and we finally got in to see our ultrasound tech again. I believe I was around 24 weeks this time when a normal anatomy scan was done at 20 weeks I chose to wait until after Thanksgiving and gave our baby a little bit more time to cook. This appointment wasn’t easy to prepare myself for. We went in and she went over everything once more but said again “I need to bring the Dr in to see this.” I still cried and I still felt like a complete failure but I had a better grip on things. She confirmed one of the complications but had said that the part 2, she was 90% positive it wasn’t there. It is really hard to explain without going into detail over the complications but just try to understand without proper details. I left feeling a little better but I still had my moments. We got referred to a perinatologist at the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic. Our appointment was set up to go get another ultrasound done by him.
Fast forward to this appointment I didn’t really know what to expect. My neighbor had to see him with her first baby and told me a little but I still wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Ty and my parents came to this appointment and it was a very thorough appointment. It took almost 2 hours of having a ultrasound done and they looked at every little spot and got very detailed images of everything. Later Dr. Hales came in and started to go over the results. He had confirmed that part that we knew along but also had said that Part 2 was 85% certain it was complicated. (Which our first ultrasound tech said she was 90% certain it was not) The news did break my heart. This was more a bigger worry then the first part and he felt pretty certain in his diagnosis. Again I cried, and again I hardly can remember the rest. He then went over a part 3 that was never diagnosed. This is the part that I stress about the most. He brought us into a room and got out a book and started to go over everything that “could happen” due to this abnormality. I bawled my eyes out knowing that all this could happen due to one little complication. He wanted us to go and get further testing done but he said it was a newer test that 1. insurance didn’t cover and 2. did not always work. We had a few weeks to decided what we wanted to do with this test. I spent countless hours worrying and trying to determine what I should do. Should I go ahead with the test? Should I decline? In the end Ty and I felt that we did not need the extra stress and if this complication was correct that it was not going to affect our decision to keep the baby. We were not going to terminate the pregnancy due to the test results. We declined and I felt a sense of relief. Dr. Hales wanted us to continue to see my regular OBGYN and also him. He was also referring me to Primary Children’s to meet with the coordinator over our babies complication.
It took forever to come into contact with Primary Children’s due to the Holiday season. In between this time we saw my regular OBGYN and Dr. Hales again. My regular OB said that the baby was measuring 1 week ahead which is seriously SUCH A GOOD SIGN. We met again with Dr. Hales just the start of the week and the news we got was so good. The part 3 hasn’t progressed since 4 weeks ago (which it normally should have) which means that it is becoming less and less abnormal. The baby is also measuring 2 weeks ahead and already weighing in at 3 lbs!!! I have seriously been on cloud 9 since finding this little bit of information out. I’ve actually been able to jump on board and finally get excited. Not that I haven’t been excited but this whole pregnancy I have just been overwhelmed, scared and it’s kicked out the fun and excitement of shopping and welcoming a new baby into our life.
We will be meeting with Primary Children’s in the next few months before the baby comes to get everything set up for after the baby arrives. I have been trying to keep my spirits high and focus on the better parts of life then everything that has happened. I by no means have it the worse of the worse and I am so grateful for modern technology and medicine that will be able to heal and help our little baby. However it doesn’t make it any easier on how it has effected us. I am still beyond scared for labor and the future but I know that with Ty by my side everything will be okay. I wasn’t sure about writing this blog post but in the future I want to be able to look back and see how these emotions and stories were. I hope that maybe I can help someone who is struggling with finding out information on their baby and can provide a sense of ease. No one knows exactly what I am going through as I don’t understand them but I am so thankful for the couple of friends who have helped me daily and checked on me. I am also beyond thankful for my mom and dad who have dropped everything to accompany us to these appointments and help us during this time. Archer’s Uncle Colten & Braydon have also been the biggest helps in being our babysitter with all these crazy appointments. Lately I swear that I am living at the Drs office.
Sometimes I like to think that everything happens for a reason. I know its a hard term to live by each day, but I just feel it really puts more things into perspective about life. Maybe I wasn’t suppose to go to that first ultrasound appointment at 20 weeks, maybe our baby needed a few more weeks to grow so we didn’t get misdiagnosed. Whatever the reason may be, I can always feel the spirit with me and guiding me with my decisions. This experience has tested my faith and patience in more ways then one.
Our baby will be okay. It’ll be born and will be healthy just will have a few complications and bumps in the road. I am hoping that nothing else pops up in the next 2 months and our baby will be born perfect in it’s own way. We love this baby and we love everyone who has kept us in your prayers. Please respect our decision to keep this information private at this time and don’t pester family members to try to get it out (they actually don’t know).
I wanted to share this story that a friend shared with me, it puts into how I am feeling so easily. If you are interested in reading follow this link and click HERE.
We know that life has a plan for us and while we may not understand it, we will love this baby. Life has been a bumpy road lately, but I know in a few months everything will make sense and I will feel at peace with all that we have endured these last months. If your read this whole blog post, I give you a applause. It has been in the making for about 2 months now and is seriously SO long.
Until next time