Wilder’s Birth Story | Part 2

 

You can read about my pregnancy and part 1 of Wilder’s story —->  HERE!

Wow.  Wilder turned four months a week ago and I finally decided to finish up his birth story to share with everyone!

Back in March, I started my weekly checkups and was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little boy.  A few people knew what the gender was but we never fully announced it on Facebook so it was a surprise to many.  View More: http://tarahphoto.pass.us/babywilder

I dilated super early and was at a 4 at 36 weeks.  I kept thinking that maybe he’d come any day and possibly be early.  I always had a feeling that he would come super super early and be pre mature just because nothing with this labor had gone according to plan.  I didn’t want to jinx it by being prepared super early, so I had our bags about 75% packed and was about 50% ready for him to come around 37 weeks..

37 weeks came and my BP was starting to rise.  (It did the same thing with my first baby so I wasn’t surprised.)  I just laid low and the week went by and everything stayed good.  38 weeks came and it was higher so my OB sent me for a blood draw.  Everything came back normal but our little guy was measuring big, 40 weeks (at 38 weeks) and my BP was high so he decided inducement was the best thing.  I loved being induced.  I haven’t ever had a natural labor so I may not know the difference but I like to have a plan and to know when and what time my baby is coming.  My dr. told me to go home and that L&D would be calling to set up my inducement time.  With my first baby, I never experienced contractions on my own because I was induced at 39 weeks due to high BP and had no signs of labor before that time.  I figured that L&D would call around 10 PM and set me up for in the AM so we went for a ride, looking at a few houses for sale, getting a snow cone, pretty much just killing time until L&D decided to call.  I was starting to get a few contractions and could feel them coming but they weren’t nothing major.

At 7:30 PM I got the call and they wanted me to be at L&D by 8:00 PM THAT NIGHT.  Like whoa.  I instantly started to bawl and have a small panic attack.  I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this.  I had so many emotions leading up to this pregnancy and so many things that I was not mentally prepared for.  I was already preparing myself for the worst possible outcome.  I cannot even begin to explain the emotions that I had running through my body.  The last week of pregnancy was the hardest week I had faced.  If you read my back story on Wilder you would know that we were concerned with his brain, well this week all I felt was that he was going to be down syndrome.  The ultrasounds came back normal after several abnormal ones, but I just had this bad feeling.  Not that anything is wrong with down syndrome babies and I’d love my guy no matter the outcome, but it was stressful and I was scared. We ran home to finished getting our stuff together and head to the hospital.  My nerves were so high and I just kept thinking and thinking about meeting this guy.  I chose not to alert the Facebook world and we only told close friends and family that we were having our baby that night.  The reason behind all the secrecy during our pregnancy was because we were scared.  We were worried he wasn’t going to make it at some times during these last 9 months and until he was in my arms, I didn’t want everyone to know and to be excited for us when at this moment, we weren’t too excited ourselves.View More: http://tarahphoto.pass.us/babywilder

View More: http://tarahphoto.pass.us/babywilderWe arrived shortly after 8 and by 9:30 I was all hooked up ready to roll.  I had felt like I needed a blessing from my husband, dad and brother since day one.  My dad unfortunately had work and couldn’t make it but my brother came down, Ty and our awesome neighbor, Kason came to join.  They gave me a blessing and my nerves instantly calmed down.  I am so grateful for the power of prayer and the priesthood to be in my home.  These last 9 months all I had was to rely on my faith and my prayers to pray that our baby boy would be okay in the end.  This situation really made my testimony grow stronger and made me rely on prayers each night and several times during the day.

View More: http://tarahphoto.pass.us/babywilderI was having some small contractions but nothing major.  I had told myself that I wasn’t getting my epidural until a 6 and I was holding out.  (I got it at like a 3 with Arch haha!) They came in and broke my water and after that contractions started to hurt. I decided it was time for my epidural and they checked me and I was at a 6!  Heck yeah for holding out ;).  They gave me the epidural and I was tired so I decided to lower myself and lay down to try to get some rest since it was around midnight.  The epi went all to my head and I was having a hard time breathing so I had to have some oxygen and to get the epi back to my legs, etc.  I dilated from a 6 to a 10 pretty fast, like within a hour.  Dr. K arrived and it was time to meet this boy.

Leading up to moment, they had told me several things.  Expect a room full of people, doctors, nurses, NICU, etc..  Expect problems and expect your baby to be wheeled to the NICU right after birth. Expect chaos and rumbling during and afterwards.  With all this, My mom took Archer out to the waiting room and left Ty and I to welcome our baby into the world.  I told a few friends that he was getting close to coming but I mainly just stayed to myself and our family during this time.

I went to find his custom name blanket, and couldn’t find the diaper bag anywhere.  We had left the actual diaper bag at home in all the running to get to the hospital!  I made my run drive to my house really fast (luckily we don’t live too far from the hospital) and grab the bag that had his beanie, custom blanket, etc.

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At 1:27 A.M. Wilder Bigt Yardley arrived into this world.  They laid him upon my chest and I sobbed… I sobbed and I sobbed.  I don’t think I had cried that hard since the first ultrasound.  I hugged my baby and I cannot even begin to describe how strong the spirit was in that room.  He started to have a hard time breathing so they took him away from us and cleared everything out.  The weird part was- there was less people that day in our room then when I had my first boy.  I was worried about all the commotion but it was so calm, so peaceful and perfect.  Since no one knew I was in labor besides close friends (who had been there every step of the way) and close family, I wasn’t having a million Facebook notifications, texts, etc. (which I appreciate those by the way)  It was Ty, myself and our baby.

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After clearing his nose, they announced he weighed 8 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long.  I hugged my sweet boy and we looked at his cleft.  It was perfect.  He was perfect.  I never thought I would feel love towards him, but my heart burst with it.  It was such a easy labor, which I needed so so bad.  I had told myself this was my last child because of how hard this pregnancy had been but after his labor I am considering having more children.  My mom brought Archer in to meet his new baby brother.  He took one look at him, gave a stunned face.. and traced his little finger around his head and said “hmmmm…. round, circle.”  My HEART MELTED!  We laughed, we cried and we loved on this new addition.  My mom took Archer back home and we got up to our room and settled in and we just stared at him.  He was such a blessing.

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When I woke up a few hours later, I didn’t feel quite the same.  I felt nervous, sickened, and just upset.  All our family and friends wanted to see photos and hear all about him/labor … and I couldn’t send them.  I felt like I was in some sort of trance and just couldn’t quite get it together.  I couldn’t have them see his cleft through a picture and to show others around them.  What would everyone say? What would they think?  I was so hurt and upset over his cleft that I just cried.  I could instantly feel PPD instantly coming on and I barely wanted to hold him.  The first visitor we had was my best friend.  She came in to see him and I couldn’t hardly talk about him.  I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t proud.  I just laid in the bed and kept to myself.  I wasn’t even close to feeling normal.  I still kept feeling like he had Down Syndrome or something else was wrong.  I told everyone to please not share a photo with the world.  No one was allowed to take a picture of him, and I still wouldn’t send them to our out of town friends, etc.. We met with our pedi and we talked genetics, and we decided we wanted to get genetic testing done on him.  T walked back with him to get his blood drawn and he said they took blood like on a adult.  Wilder didn’t cry, he didn’t fuss.. he was strong during it all.  We went over the genetics and they doctors ensured he was fine but I still stressed.   I voiced my concerns to my NICU nurse about how I had been feeling and she recommended we do skin to skin more.  We started to do that and I instantly changed.  I was happier, doing much better and accepting our new reality.  I started to send snapchats to friends, I face-timed my friend in Texas and showed her our sweet, baby boy.  I started to feel like myself again.

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Wilder did struggle with eating.  He wouldn’t eat, kept spitting up, and I was feeling SO discouraged.  The NICU put so much stress on us that if he didn’t start to gain he would need a feeding tube.  We tried and tried and suddenly, he finally caught on and began to eat.  I still wasn’t ready to tell the whole world about him because I wasn’t quite sure how to address it all.  It was so new to me and just hard.

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We went home after three days of being in the hospital and adjusted to life as a family of four.  Having two kids is much harder then one!  T had to go back to work like the day after we had him so I had a early start on being alone with both of them.  I decided to  tell the world that our baby had made it safe.  I explained our situation with my post and after I posted it, I turned my phone off.  I couldn’t bare to see what people were going to say because I was so scared.  A few hours later, I turned it back on and I was amazed.  We had so much support and so much love shown towards us.  That meant so much to us- to hear and see everyone support our little guy.  The first couple weeks were still hard to adjust to.  We were on a strict 2-3 hour feeding schedule and I was pumping.  I would wake up at 2 AM pump for 30 mins. then get Wilder up an he would eat in 15 (he had to finished his bottle in 15 mins or he burns more calories then he consumes) and then try to get him back to sleep and then I’d get to sleep for about 2 hours and do it all over again.  We traveled to Salt Lake to meet with his surgeon when he was about a week old and got the game plan of the next few months. I remember the first time that someone asked to see our new baby… it was my older neighbor and I had him covered outside when she came down and she asked to see him.  My heart sunk, i started to shake, I couldn’t hardly breathe and I uncovered him and had the hardest time even showing him to the world because of his cleft.  The panic attacks were a real thing with me.  It didn’t stress T as much but with me I always always kept him covered when we went out.

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Since then, I do try to keep him covered and I still get hesitant when I show him to the world and or when little kids see him ask what’s wrong with him.  It hasn’t gotten easier but I have gotten more use to it.  I cannot explain the love I have for Wilder and how much he has taught all of us in such a short short time.  He has endured more then most kids do in their lives and its only just beginning.  He is a blessing, a blissful soul and I am so beyond proud to be his mom and to raise him.  Everytime he smiles, I instantly melt.  I remember saying to my husband one night as we laid in bed and bawled that we weren’t going to be able to love him like we love Archer.  But I do, I love him so much and god knew that we needed to be his parents and help raise him to be the man he is.  Life isn’t always picture perfect and we all struggle from time to time, but with faith everything will be okay and life will go on.  The horrible start of this pregnancy had an amazing ending and tells a amazing story…. the story of Wilder Bigt is just beginning and I cannot wait to see what he does in his lifetime and who he influences.  I already know that I have helped so many people come to terms with their child’s cleft and I have chosen to not let his disability keep us from sharing him.  He deserves to be shown to the world and the world deserves to see him.

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sincerelytheblondeloog

 

Why I chose not to give in || 

I’ve been thinking of this blog for a few weeks now.

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When I first found out about our sweet boys cleft, I was mortified.. embarrassed… hurt. I told hardly anyone and those I did, I was beyond nervous for and it took me time to actually tell them.  I remember telling my husband that I wasn’t going to take him out anywhere.  He wasn’t going to be on social media, he wasn’t going to be laughed at by our cruel society.  I wanted to lock him up until his lip surgery because I wanted to keep him safe.  I was so scared to bring this precious baby boy into this worldwith the thought of how others would view me and him.  I was scared of being teased, scared of being judged. I was scared of showing him to the world.

But I was wrong.

The second I saw that precious face, I melted.  My heart felt so much love for him and in that moment I knew he came to me to help me through this life.  I cry just thinking about how lucky I am to be his mom.  The world stopped the moment they placed that 8 lb 11 oz baby onto my chest.  The tears flowed out my eyes, they flowed out Ty’s eyes and the spirit was so strong the day he came into the world.  I was blessed.

He has taught us so many life lessons that I will take into my daily life forever.  I use to always look at children or adults with unusual looks and or abnormalities and wonder what happened. But now I look at them and I think of how strong they are.  How they concurred life.  How they didn’t let people stomp on them.  Their parents are tough, they are tough, their siblings are tough. They are warriors.

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Once Wilder arrived, it took me a few days to fully be on board.  I laughed, I cried, I experienced every single emotion in such a short period.  I finally got the nerve to announce his arrival to social media.  Not too many people knew of his complication.  We kept it a secret because we weren’t fully ready for the whole world to know about our special little boy.  When I finally announced and shared our story I turned my phone off for a few hours.  I was so scared of someone posting a rude comment, I was sick to my stomach.  When I turned it back on, I had several shares, likes, comments, messages.  Everyone was supportive & so kind.  In that moment- I wasn’t going to let his cleft define us.. it was not going to define him.  He was going to be shown to the world and we are going to document and show everyone the good, the bad, the ugly of this journey.  This is us.

IMG_6300I took this situation in my hands and I’ve made the best of it.  We document each day, each appointment and every aspect of this cleft life.  He’s miraculous and so strong.  He’s endured so much in his short two months of life then some children endure in 2 years.  He’s taught lessons, caused us so many smiles, and truly truly blessed us in more ways then one.  He is amazing.

Being a mom of a child with a complication can teach you many things.  Prayers are always the answer.  Friends don’t stay by your side.  Tears happen…daily.  You grow up, in more ways then one.  Learning to cope with the complication brings so much peace and relief.  You think of others everyday.  Little things that people do for you, mean the world.  You want to strangle those who take for granted their perfect pregnancies, or healthy babies.  You feel jealous and saddened when someone announces their perfect baby and wonder what yours would be like without the complication.  Your trusting your baby with a surgeon you barely know.

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If you have a cleft baby- the NAM will be your best friend … or your worst enemy.  You will get weird looks, so prepare your come backs.  You will need burp clothes.  You cannot be hard on yourself if you can’t breastfeed.  You will worry, everyday.  You will grow to appreciate You will feel saddened when it’s almost time for their forever smile to appear.  You’ll have a cleft team that has around 9 doctors on it… and you’ll most likely forget who is who.  You will get excited when your child drinks from a straw.

Life can get messy. It can be hard, it can be wicked and it can suck.  This last week has been hard and I’ve felt so ungrateful and so saddened by some personal reasons but when I take a look at Wilder.. I realize none of that matters.  The fake friends don’t matter, the 10 hour weekly drives don’t matter, the messy house, hamper of laundry… it doesn’t matter.  My husband, my kids, my life matters.  My two boys are my life, they’ve both been the biggest blessing.  They matter.

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In the end- you can let your situation define you, or you can define it.  Don’t let it take ahold of you, be an example.. be a friend… and take control of it.

During all these struggles my faith has grown and I have grown as a person.  It hasn’t been easy, it has been complete hell but I love my little boy & if you could give me the chance to change this outcome, I wouldn’t.  Because he is amazing in every way possible.. cleft & all.

 

sincerelytheblondeloog

10 perfect gifts for mother day |

 


Mothers Day is coming up and with that comes trying to get the women in your life the perfect gift.  I have came up with a few options that are sure to make that special lady extremely happy.  Most of these I would love to get (hint hint T!) So I know your wife/mom will to!

1. Spa day

Most every woman would enjoy to be surprised with a certificate for a spa day.  Facial, Mani/Pedi, Massage, etc.  This is something that every woman would be thrilled to get because with the title of “mom” we all need R&R.

2. Personalized Gifts

Face it, us moms love personalized items.  Whether it be our children’s birthdays, anniversary date, etc, on some type of item… we love all things personal and took some thought.  My current favorite is personalized necklaces with our sons birthdates in roman numerals.  It’s a gift that I will cherish forever because it was the two best days of my life. There are several items you can get that can be personalized.  Check out these cute items—-> 1 | 2 | 3

3. Target Gift Card

You read that correctly.  If you are clueless and not sure what to get, stop at Target and get a gift card and some flowers.  I promise she will love you forever when you hand that little red card to her and tell her to go spoil herself.  However, she most likely will end up in the kid section and spend it on baby clothes but its the thought that counts. Snag that gift card HERE!

4. Clothes

If you know your mom pretty well and can pick her out some nice clothes that’ll really top her day.  Most the time as moms, we tend to spend all our money on our children so being gifted something that they normally wouldn’t spend money on for their selves is a huge plus.  Check out a cute shirt, or maybe some comfy pajamas. Check out these stores —> 1 | 2

5. Makeup/Makeup Gift Card

If your wife/mom is into makeup stop by Ulta or Sephora and let them help you pick something out.  They know the latest trends and can find a perfect eyeshadow palette or contour palette that will make that woman happy.  If all else fails, just snag a Gift Card and she can spoil herself later! 1 | 2 | 3

6.  Watch

Snag her the up to date watch like a apple watch or even a classic style of watch to top her day.  If she uses a watch daily, then it’ll be the perfect accessory to have on her hand. 1 | 2

7. Craft from your children/grandchildren

Moms always love to get homemade items, whether it be a craft you did with your children for her or something you made yourself, a hand made item is sure to make her smile.  Search on Pinterest for the perfect mothers day craft, and get going!

8. A vacation

If your woman likes to travel and have fun, book her a surprise vacay and give her the info on mothers day along with some roses or a gift card to buy clothes for the big trip.  It’ll make her excited for the upcoming trip and really who doesn’t want a surprise trip!

9. A nice dinner at her favorite restaurant

Surprise her with a night out (kids or no kids) and take her to her favorite restaurant to eat at.  This is a perfect gift for older moms who want to visit their kids who no longer live under their roof or for younger moms who want to get out of the house and have a night out.

10. A clean house.  Nothing will make your wife or mother more happy then to come home to a clean, spotless house!  This is the most wanted gift by several women but make sure to throw in something above ^ to keep yourself outta the dog house!

Being a mom has became the best thing to ever happen to me.  Today my heart is filled with joy as I saw my oldest son care for his younger brother.  As this event happened, tears filled my eyes.  If you’ve read any of my previous, personal blogs you will know that our littlest boy, Wilder has a unilateral cleft lip and palette and it hasn’t been the easiest pregnancy on our family.  Wilder was crying because he was hungry and I was trying to hurry and finish my salad before feeding him the rest of his bottle.  All of a sudden I noticed it was peace and quiet… I stood up and walked over to where Wilder was at, and there was Archer sitting next to him trying to feed him in bottle.  The thing with having a cleft baby is you have to hold the bottle a certain way and due to his NAM, it makes it difficult to feed him.  Archer was trying so hard to calm his little bro by feeding him and wasn’t doing much good but my heart filled with joy but also sadness because if Wilder didn’t have this cleft, I know that Archer would be able to feed him and would be so happy to do so.  I have came to terms with his cleft and I love him and it just the way he is, but my heart still aches that my perfect little boy will go through surgeries, and struggles more then any other child his own age.  As his first surgery approaches quickly I become more saddened and nervous for him to get it done.  It’s a feeling that no parent should ever have to have but it’s life and it is grabbing the situation by the reigns and guiding it.  I love my boys and I love being their mom.  Mothers day is the end of this week and I cannot wait to spend it with my mom and my children.

If you have any other gift suggestions, leave them in the comments.. I would love to hear!

Top 9 beauty routine |

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I wasn’t too much into skin care until the last few years.  I never really thought about my skin or what I was putting on it, etc.  I stepped up my game and found some amazing products that help my skin be acne free, and helps it glow.  I have super dry skin, sometimes it get’s to the point of peeling from my face.  My skin is also super sensitive so I like to use products that aren’t harsh on it that could cause irritation and redness.

This is what I use every single day.  Some products I use at night, some in the morning and some at both times!

I start each morning with washing my face.  I dampen it with warm water and then rub some of my polishing exfoliator on it and then use my clarisonic to scrub everything all around.  The polishing exfoliator helps to remove dry, rough, dead skin because it contains volcanic ash.  I have two clarisonics, but i choose to use my mia fit all the time because i like the size of it.  I have on the brush for cleaning pores which is one of my main concerns besides my dry skin.  After my skin is good and cleaned, I use my favorite product- Climate Control.  This still is like a miracle in a bottle.  I spritz a few pumps onto my face and rub it in.  I apply the origins, drink up intensive overnight face mask (I apply this both night + day) and let that sit for about 30 mins. prior to doing my makeup.  I like to use the Origins 2x a day because of how dry my skin is and the price is pretty cheap so I feel that I can use it 2x a day.  It does wonders for dry skin!  Once 30 mins goes by I apply Anti-Wrinkle treatment and Silk onto my face before doing my normal makeup routine.

When it comes to night routine, I start off my using some form of makeup remover to remove my eye makeup.  I am currently using Garnier, Skin Active Miscellar Cleansing Water to remove my waterproof makeup.  Next I use the Farmacy “clear bloom” makeup glidaway cleansing oil and cleanse my whole face.  This stuff is a weird combo but I really like it for removing and cleansing my face.  I wipe it all down and rinse and then apply another top favorite- Nanagai Oil in the areas that are specifically dry on me.  This would be my eyelids, chin, nose and I apply it on my lips as well.  Last step, is I apply the origins face mask (as mentioned above) all over and then I climb into bed.

This skin routine has really helped my skin become softer, and not near as dry.  I suffer from dry skin super bad and even adding or removing one of these products can make my skin go patchy and rough.

*If you are interested in any SeneGence products, please contact me through Facebook or email to order some.*

What is your favorite products that you like to use for your skin?

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13 top newborn must haves |

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When I found out I was pregnant and started baby shopping I was amazed at how many new, modern products there were even though I just had Archer a year ago.  9 months went by and now that we are getting into a routine, I have some of my top favorite items that I use for him every single day.  I thought I would share with those of you who are in the market for your new babe or just want to see what there is available to you.  (These are all my honest opinions and feelings and none of these are sponsored items.)

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  1. Owlet Baby Monitor

We didn’t invest in one of these with my first baby but with our little cleftie, we decided we needed it.  They do run pricey at $250 but the calmness it brings is worth the price.  It monitors your babies heart rate and oxygen levels and alerts you when they are low.  It is a small sock that slips on your babies foot (alternating left and right) and will monitor it until you turn it off.  The only downfall, sometimes our babe will wiggle and the alert will go off which causes a huge panic to come on you.  BUT I would rather have a false alarm then no alarm at all so it works.Screen Shot 2017-04-17 at 11.18.44 PM

2. Dock a Tot

The dock a tot has been a life saver to us every single night.  We put it inside his Halo Bassinet and it fits perfect and he is all snug all night.  The best part is, with all the traveling that we do and will be doing, its nice to take with us and it can go between us on a bed for a safe approach to co sleeping or we can put it on any surface right now and he sleeps just like he does at home.  They run a little pricey starting at $165 but to me has been a huge help with sleeping.  Our little guy sleeps about 6-8 hours once he gets all snuggled in.  They have 2 sizes for babies and then toddlers which makes transitioning easy from a crib to a bed, etc.   (make sure to click the link “dock a tot” above to snag $10 off yours!)

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3. Woombie Swaddles

I got a woombie from my local buy buy baby to just test out and I need to order a few more.  These are a easy approach to swaddling and a lot less the hassle.  With a two sided zipper to zip from the top or just the bottom (easy to change a diaper) our little guy stays asleep since he isn’t being unswaddled every diaper change.  It is a stretchy material so they can wiggle and move but will not break out of a swaddle and wake themselves up.  They have different styles and options to pick from (even one for hip dysplasia babies) so there are a lot of options to choose from.  They start at about $25 but are sold at other stores (and also amazon) so be sure to check all around before purchasing.

4. PUJ tubScreen Shot 2017-04-17 at 11.16.48 PM

With our first baby, I bought a big plastic tub that takes up so much room and cannot be stored anywhere.  I did some research this baby and decided to buy the PUJ tub.  It is priced around $35 and is worth it.  It’s easy to fold up and store (fits under the sink or can hang on the back of the door), it is easy to travel with (again were always on the go) and can fit in any sink.  You cannot use this in an actual bath tub but for us it was better because he will be bathed in the sink while Archer is in the big tub until Wilder is old enough to sit up.  It is a soft foam material, and cradles the baby for comfort.  These are sold on several sites including amazon.

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5. MamaRoo 

I used this with my first baby and I didn’t need the newer version (hint to save money, find the older version) but this was such a game changer for both my boys.  It has several different settings on it and is able to adapt to real movements.  It has been a top product of mine for both boys and we use it daily.  They run about $250-

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6. Solly baby wrap 

I recently purchased a solly baby wrap and was so impressed.  I had used a different brand with my first and even a few times with Wilder but decided to buy another one so I had two on hand and boy do i love the solly!  I used this for 3 days in California and it was such a life saver.  He was snug and happy all day long, and didn’t get too hot either.  It makes it easy for you to help your toddler and still be hands free.  They run about $65.

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7. Moccasins 

I personally love the brand Tiny Baby Soles Moccs and Freshly Picked.  TBS runs cheaper for the same quality and is a smaller shop then FP.  I have the hardest time keeping socks on my babies and some shoes are even harder but I like to have their little toes protected.  These moccs come in all sizes and keep their feet protected and will stay on.  I recommend grabbing a few pairs in the 0 size because those will fit them when they are teeny tiny.  You can order cheap (china brand) off amazon but be prepared they will not fit your newborn baby which is when I personally love to put on moccs.  I just buy a few pairs that can go with several outfits and I feel better with their toes being protected.Screen Shot 2017-04-17 at 11.30.15 PM

8. Beanies & Swaddles

I didn’t hardly put any beanies on Archer until he got older but Wilder has loved beanies.  I bought a few from Target and a few from small shops and I love the ones I got from my small shops the best.  My top favorite is KB Cute Designs.  I got a matching set with a beanie, swaddle and gown and holy cow.  It is the softest material and so stretchy! Screen Shot 2017-04-21 at 2.56.52 PM

9. Tubby Todd 

I discovered this brand of soaps, lotions, and more.  I was super stoked to try it and came to find out that I absolutely love it.  They smell good, and make sure that every ingredient is cleanly sourced, animal cruelty free and 100% natural which is something i love.  I love to know that my kids are being lathered in natural ingredients rather then harmful chemicals which is why i made the switch from johnsons to tubby toad.  My top 3 favorites are lavendar & rosmary wash and lotion and the all over ointment!

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10. Noxx Burp rags

We knew with Wilder he would have a lot of spit up due to his cleft lip so I made sure to stock up on burp rags.  My tops favorite are the ones I snagged from Noxx AZ.  They are a good size, and the softest material. The ones that are super rough rubs on his face and leaves marks so I love the super soft material.  Not to mention the prints are modern and adorable.

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11. Kickee Pants 

I grabbed Wilder some of these pajamas and I am going to stock up for both boys!  They are the softest material you have ever felt in your life.  I am not even joking.  The footie pjs also have the hand covers which is something I love!

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12. Milk Snob Carseat Cover

I have tried a few carseat covers and none compare to the quality of milk snob the best.  It has the perfect fit, perfect material and the perfect prints… it’s pretty perfect!  I actually have two covers that I switch between because I couldn’t decide.

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13. Jennifer Ann Custom Swaddle

One of my favorite items I have bought for both my boys is a custom name swaddle blanket.  I have a few with Archer’s name on it and the one from Jennifer Ann is by far the best quality.

Hope you enjoy, what are some of your favorite baby products?

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Easter Weekend |

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Easter weekend was spent with my little family in Anaheim, CA.  We were invited by my brother and his kids to come with them on a little vacation for the week but due to T’s job and some military obligations that came up, we were only able to go for a few days but it was still so much fun.  I have to give a major shout out to my husband for driving 5.5 hours to take me to the beach and Disneyland.  He knew I was needing to get out and about and that was just what I needed.  We were a little crazy and took Wilder who just hit 3 weeks old!  But it was such a fun little vacay and we enjoyed our first trip together and Archer had fun with some of his cousins.  Two kids isn’t that hard and it is getting a little easier each day.  We really wanted to do something fun with Archer before our weekly drives to SLC to PCH start next week!  Between those weekly 5 hour drives we aren’t going to want to travel much.  On Friday we had a quick little Easter Egg hunt because the Easter bunny arrived that night and grandma and grandpa came down to watch Arch hunt for eggs in the backyard.  The Easter bunny spoiled these cute boys with some much needed essentials, toys, and candy.  I love holidays and having two kids makes it that much better!

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Archer is at such a fun stage right now and obsessed with Humpty Dumpty.  He was pretty stoked to be finding “humpties” all over the yard and kept singing “Humpty Dumpty’ the whole time.  I am pretty obsessed with him.

2017-04-18_00122017-04-18_0011After that we drove down to California and stayed in a town on the route when we all got too tired to finish off the drive.  I was looking online at a store called Milky Mama to grab some food items that will help my milk supply increase for pumping for Wilder.  Came to find out that they had a store that we were passing so I decided to just run in and grab some treats.  They are actually really good and I wanted to eat the whole box of brownies and cookies in one sitting.  Ill do more of a review in depth post all about pumping later this month.  We then checked into our hotel and headed to hit a few stops.  We decided to stop at what is called the Anaheim Packing District.  It is a pinterest worthy spot and was full of good food and treats + some live music.

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After grabbing lunch we took off to Seal Beach, CA (about 40 mins from Anaheim) and boy did it not disappoint.  It wasn’t hardly packed at all, and had the cutest downtown feel with shops and everything.

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2017-04-18_0002I told T that I wanna plan a trip back just for that little town and stay in a beach house.  Anyways, Arch wasn’t filling all the waves and it kind of scared him but we enjoyed playing on the side in the sand.  Lil bro slept in his solly baby wrap most the time and Arch destroyed the sand castles that T built him.  It was just a perfect day spent with my little family enjoying some sun and sand!

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We went back to the hotel to meet up with my brothers family and my mom and we went to downtown Disney for the night.  We just walked around and enjoyed the music and fun activities that they have down there.

Next day called for Disneyland.  This is Archer’s third time going to Disney and Wilder’s first trip!  We are Disney lovers in our family.  We went and spent the day riding rides, eating good food and just having fun.  Arch had a blast with his cousins and loved all the rides.  He was seriously such a champ the whole day and had hardly any toddler tantrums!  We had to make sure to get Wildie some cute mickey ears that he can grow into!  We left a little early cause we had a long drive ahead but boy was one day enough for us.  Archer was filthy dirty, I was so tired and T’s back was starting to hurt so we headed back home.

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I love going on weekend adventures.  It is more enjoyable to me then a week long vacation.  We try to go on a fun weekend trip once a month but I know with the upcoming drives due to Wilder’s cleft and his doctors that we won’t be getting out near as much which makes me kinda sad.  But we do have some fun trips planned this summer and rest of the year which I am excited for.  I am so grateful to have my family in my life and so blessed to spend it with them all each year.  I honestly cannot explain how grateful I am being able to hold and love Wilder and Archer and seeing them grow up.  Being a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me and it is all because of our heavenly father.

I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend and spent it with the ones you love.

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The story of Wilder Bigt Yardley | part one

You can check out my blog post about finding out we were pregnant HERE and all about that life update.  This is to focus on the stuff that I didn’t share publicly.  It does kind of jump around since I add a new paragraph based on our appointments, so bare with it as it is more of a rough draft then a finished novel.  If you read the first initial post you already know how this pregnancy was emotionally rough for me.  I’m not sure exactly but it just wasn’t a walk in the park like I had with Archer.

At 16 weeks, we went in for a gender ultrasound.  I remember being excited to see our baby, I already knew he was a boy because we had gone two weeks earlier (14) to Vegas to see he was a boy.  But we were excited to see his little face again.  I remember laying there and she was moving the probe? all around my belly and we could see our cute little guy just a wiggling.  The ultrasound tech was taking fairly longer and kept saying “I want to get a good shot of his face” which I thought she was doing it to be kind.  She kept going over all the organs in his little body which I was confused by because this wasn’t our anatomy scan, it was a “fun” scan.  Anyways, I was telling her how my pregnancy with Archer was beyond perfect, we had no complications, I loved every day of being pregnant.  All of a sudden she got quiet and said “I see a complication.  I need to grab the doctor.”  I sunk into what i cannot even begin to explain.  It was by far the WORST feeling I have ever felt.  Ty squeezed my hand and we waited for the Doctor to come in.  This is where I went a little blank.  I cannot remember exactly how everything went because I was just in some type of dream/nightmare it felt like.  Our doctor came in and they exchanged whispers and then that is when we found out our baby had a cleft lip.  I initially broke into a cry…more like bawl because hearing those words that your child has a “complication” “abnormalitiy” or anything wrong with it is beyond horrible.  We went into a private room and our doctor grabbed some printable for us to read when we got home.  I still sat and cried and cried and cried.  I don’t recall ever crying that hard.  We went out to the car and I remember my mom was sitting in the passenger seat (Archer had fallen asleep prior to) and I just sobbed and sobbed.  I could barely drive home because I was a wreck.  I cried for days, even weeks and grieved over the loss of our perfect baby.  It wasn’t that I was embarrassed but I was more scared and nervous of what people may think or say.  It was hard news to actually accept.  We live in a world where social media is everything.  I choose to share my life publicly with people and people can be beyond cruel.  I was scared as well, when you first imagine a cleft lip it automatically is hideous, its cruel and its not what you want to hear is wrong with your baby.  My heart hurt so badly and I barely had the courage to tell anyone what was going on.  I told my closest friend and I still didn’t quite know the words to even say.  We were set up to come back in 4 weeks at his 20 week anatomy scan to double check everything on little man.

20 week appointment rolled around and my parents came down to go with us.  By now we had told T’s brother and my parents.  As I was getting ready to go to my appointment, I started to get some pretty bad back pain and stomach pain.  I honestly thought I was going into preterm labor.  I called my Dr and he wanted me to rush to labor and delivery.  We ended up missing the appointment and I was hospitalized instead.  They ruled out premature labor and marked it has a kidney stone.  24 hours passed and I was good as new and ready to head back home.  I often think that things happen for a reason..  maybe I wasn’t suppose to attend that appointment, or maybe there would have been false info given. I’m not really sure but I felt comfort in not attending it and rescheduled for another time.

We arrived back at 24 weeks, I pushed back the appointment as long as I felt I could because I was so scared to go back.  Not only were we finding out about the cleft but we were doing a full anatomy scan which could lead to other problems.  I was already a wreck before we went back and my nerves were sky high.  My parents once again came down to join us and she started the ultrasound.  She went over every little ounce of his body and then confirmed that our sweet baby had a unilateral left sided cleft lip.  She did say that everything else came back positive and there was no other side effects and she thought that palette was 90% not involved which was excellent news.  We were referred to see a specialist however to conclude on these findings.


I started to feel really good, although it was still hard to process all this information, I was doing okay.  We went and saw the specialist around 26/28 weeks (cannot really remember TBH) and we didn’t get the best news we were hoping for.  During this visit we had a very depth ultrasound.  It was around 2 hours long and we went over everything on the baby.  When they were doing this scan I kind of just felt numb.  I didn’t quite know what to think and the tech was moving so fast over everything and I just was a little shocked.  Once the doctor came in he started to use big words and describe everything that he saw.  To put it down into regular people wording, he basically told us that our babies brain was dilated and had fluid inside it the left ventricle.  This could be several things including the Trisonomy’s, and several other things that he went over with us in a book.  We went into a small room with the doctor and a family counselor and he pulled out some type of “doctor” health book and showed us every possible thing that could come in the coming weeks based upon our sweet babies little brain.  It was scary for us to sit in a room and be told everything that “could happen” over the next few months before our precious baby made it into our lives.  I thought I cried a lot at the first ultrasound but this one took over.  I was beyond scared and all I could think about was my poor, little baby.  He wanted .. actually begged us to do genetic testing but in the end it would only stress me out more plus he did mention that it isn’t always accurate and insurance doesn’t like to cover the new genetic testing that he wanted us to get done and it ran quite expensive.  We decided to deny it mainly because I wasn’t going to abort my baby based on the test results and the results would only make me more nervous to live each day.  He wanted us back in a few weeks to recheck the ventricle and see the progress (that would help conclude what was exactly going on.)  We had decided to let family know that we were having some complications but didn’t want to say what because we honestly didn’t know.  It had been changed so many times on us that we were unknown ourselves.  If you can imagine, this month was pure torture.  We spent several nights praying and crying to our heavenly father to please please bless us that our babies brain would end up fine and that nothing besides the cleft would come into play.  I don’t think I have ever said as many prayers in my life as I did this whole month.  My heart was hurting in more ways then one and I felt hopeless and weak that I couldn’t do anything.  It was one of the roughest months I have ever endured.  I didn’t want to do anything baby because I wasn’t sure I would even be bringing a baby home.  

We went back around 32ish weeks to see the specialist again.  This time he said he was fairly certain that our babies palette was involved as well as the lip.  But we got somewhat good news, the brain ventricle did not progress any!  Which was a huge step because normally, it would progress due to the babies age in the womb.  We also found out that our baby was measuring TWO weeks ahead!! This seriously was some of the best news we could have received.  Normally babies who are having brain problems run small in the womb so to find out that our little babe was measuring two weeks ahead was proving that our prayers were working.  The stats on the brain stayed the same which meant that there still could be some problems but it was a step forward in the right direction.  I instantly felt so much more relived.  I was still scared and worried but I felt peaceful and thankful with these conclusions.

IMG_7271We never have gotten the perfect image of that sweet little face, so we decided to go down to Miracle in progress to see if they could get some for us.  What a sweet success it was!  We got some amazing images of our sweet babe and saw just how chunky the cheeks are.  I instantly fell in love and when I saw the cute little clefty smile, I melted.  This baby is precious and beautiful and is so so so loved already.  Archer points to the images and said  “baby” every time he sees a ultrasound and we know that this sweet babe is meant to be ours.  I truthfully feel that we were granted this trial because we could handle it.  Our heavenly father knew that we were meant to be his parents and blessed us with this sweet, amazing little guy.

Fast forward through several appointments, ultrasounds, and visits the specialist decided to mark off the brain as being NORMAL!!  This was huge news, like for once I didn’t bawl my eyes out after the appointment.  He wasn’t worried about the babies brain anymore and marked it completely normal.  I literally felt like I was in seventh heaven.  We have had several people praying for us and helping us during this hard time that I am so thankful for.  I finally felt some comfort knowing that this little babes brain was marked normal.  I still had some doubts but I was so grateful for this great news to come to us.

FullSizeRender 13This whole time we didn’t want to tell anyone besides a few people because we didn’t want rumors to spread and people to talk.  We also weren’t sure how to address it because we to have been in the “unknown” for so long.  People have been so supportive during this time even though we had some “nosey” people try to dig up the information themselves.  It wasn’t that we are ashamed of telling this news, its that we have not known what to expect or what exactly was wrong with our babies brain.  It wasn’t some fun little game for us to have people try to guess what was wrong.  This baby is REAL, and we are REAL people with REAL emotions.  For those of you who are reading and respected our privacy and didn’t try to dig information out of family members, or friends we highly appreciate it.  We know that many of you have kept us in your prayers and have helped us in more ways then one and we are so grateful!  I am truly truly grateful for those of you who have kept us in your prayers and been so supportive even when you have been stuck in the dark.

We had to meet with surgeons and it was harder then I imagined.  There is something that isn’t right about having to pick a surgeon who will perform surgery on your child especially at such a young age.  We narrowed it down to two excellent surgeons but we still cannot quite decide who to choose.  Both have several pros and both have several cons about them.

Some basic information/Facts/FAQ:

  •  I was healthy this pregnancy.
  • I did not drink any caffeine until the 3rd trimester.
  • I did not have alcohol or drugs at any time.
  • I took care of my body and took my prenatal vitamins.
  • Clefts do not run in our family history (that we are aware of.)
  • 1 in 700 babies are diagnosed with clefts.
  • 1 in 450 babies in UTAH are diagnosed with clefts.
  • I was prescribed a medicine during the early early stages of my pregnancy to help with an allergic reaction I had from the medication they gave me to help us get pregnant.  Our specialist did research and noticed that this drug does not pass through the placenta well and could very well be the cause of this cleft in our baby.  (we told the Dr we were most likely pregnant upon being prescribed the medication) Studies are shown in animals and in the UK that this steroid drug causes clefts in pregnancy, but the US has not ruled it has being unsafe for pregnant women.  I trusted the Dr. and I took as little as possible, but heavenly father knows what he is doing and we were meant to have this blessing be given to our family.  It was a blessing in disguise but we are so thankful for our little baby to join our family.
  • A babies face forms from the back forward.  This is why you have a small indent on your top lip and some have a “butt chin.”
  • The babies face forms in just TWO days!

Fast forward through 2 more ultrasounds, our sweet little guys brain didn’t change one bit.  SUCH GOOD NEWS.  We filled family in on his little complication and prepared for him to join our family.  They instantly all fell in love with him and supported us 100%.  It was a good relief to have a few people know and I didn’t have to keep it on the down low anymore because we had answers.

We hit 38 weeks and I instantly became beyond nervous.  I was nervous on how to accept him, I was nervous on how to show him to the world.. would I even want to show him off?  This was a whole new ball game for us and our answers were unknown.

I will blog all about his birth in my next post and how we decided on his name.

xoxo,

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A’s BIG BOY room reveal!

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So let’s just say that his room as pretty much been done forever, I’ve just been a huge major slacker and waiting on a few last minute items to finish it off.  But good news is that it’s finished and I am so excited to reveal it to everyone.  When I was thinking of how to do his room, I wanted something different from his baby nursery but still along the lines of that.  I love the new modern items that are coming into style lately.  Ill have linked below everything I used and where I got it, and ill also post the youtube link to the video I made to show it all off.  I am seriously obsessed with how it turned out and Archer is loving his big boy bed!

I wanted the room to be filled with small shop items but also have regular shop items.  I did a combo filled with both and I loved how it turned out and came together.  A lot of the items were purchased from Ikea or Amazon (I will have links down below) but some were also small shop gifted and purchased.

Scroll down and see for yourself and take a look at the items featured..

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My awesome husband built Archer’s bed for him.  It is a twin size and has a pull out trundle underneath.  He did such a good job creating this dream bed for Archie boy.  2017-03-02_00032017-03-02_00042017-03-02_00052017-03-02_00062017-03-02_00072017-03-02_00082017-03-02_00092017-03-02_00102017-03-02_0011

This is very well Archer’s favorite place in the house.  He could spend all day in there terrorizing it 😉 but really has a blast.  He loves to show new people his cool bed and sleeps like a champ in it.

 

Items used //

TeePee Bed – Yardley Customs

Bedding – Funny story, I saw this bedding on instagram and after tracking it down, I came to realize that it was located in Australia…… which was no way to get it to me.  After a few hours of having my heart broken I saw that a Facebook friend of mine was actually IN AUSTRALIA… LIKE WHAT.  So I instant messaged her and she was so nice and went to target and bought it for me and brought it back to the United States.  (Thanks Taryn!) So sorry to all you US peeps, this bedding came from Australia.

“Archer” Banner & the “X” BannerRad.PaperCo

“Archer” Pillow- Shop Highway3 

“Archer” custom Pillow Doll Asher.and.Olive

Mickey Mouse Plush Doll – Disneyland

Woven BlanketWild Sunshine Threads

Buffalo Plaid BlanketLove and Lullabies 

Neverland Banner & Neverland Pillow CaseRoot Avenue

Cross Pillowcase & “Wild” wall banner Orange Blossom Special 805

Wooden FeathersThat Special Touch Decor

Teepee Sign Liz.and.Ollie

No girls allowed sign & Wild Child Sign – Hobby Lobby

Mickey Burlap BlanketModern Burlap

Archer Ave. SignSuperior Stickers

Graphic Prints (BIG BRO & Trouble Maker) – Little Bloom Prints

Books – Usborne

Triangle Wall DecalsWall Tribe

Amazon

IKEA

  • Toy Box
  • Child Table – I painted this to have a modern, matching design.
  • Buckets + Plant
  • Rug
  • Shelves
  • Frames
  • Dresser
  • Beanie Holder

Aztec Baskets are from my local Target.

Archers OutfitLuluRoo

Whew, pretty sure that covered where I got everything from.  I am loving how everything came together to make Archer’s big boy room complete.  He has been so into shapes and colors that most of his favorite toys are containing them.  I love the little spot where he can have his quiet time and relax.  He loves reading books and is so into them lately that its one of his favorite places to sit and relax.  Once he gets a little bigger I am planning on filling his buckets (on his table) with crayons, but for now he just likes to draw on the walls if he has them in his possession so it holds his cars and wooden shapes.

Hope you enjoy,

sincerelytheblondeloog

 

 

Small kiddo, big heart..

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I often find myself amazed at the understandings and feelings that a young child can carry.  I’ve seen Archer and how he reacts to different news and different occurrences in life.  When the characters on a TV show get sad, he shows sympathy.  When they get angry, he shows anger.  His little heart and mind are so incredible that I often wonder how he learned these.  I haven’t taught him to “grrrr” when he’s upset or clap when he’s proud of his own achievements.  But yet he’s showing me these characteristics everyday.

8Today hasn’t been the easiest.  I’ve been on the phone all morning trying to set up consults to pick our new babies surgeon.  It shouldn’t even be right that I am trying to pick a surgeon for a baby I haven’t even met.  Whoever said motherhood was easy, was beyond wrong.  As I sat here crying, he comes up and says “don’t cry” and lays his little head on my thigh for the brief 4 second spam he has and then walks away.  He doesn’t even understand why I am crying but he took some time to show compassion and my heart just melted.  I am raising the best boy who is going to make the best husband, best dad, and best friend in the future.

Life often gets hard, it does for everyone.  I cannot tell you how much I have been tested this last year to rely on my faith.  At times, I break down and question why I have been chosen to take on this job.  I sometimes can’t even get past thinking about the future because the unknown is scary.  I feel this sweet baby kicking inside of me and knowing that when it arrives is gonna be a whirlwind of emotions, doctor appointments, surgeries, etc.  It breaks my heart to think my baby will have to suffer through all this.

19As February approaches Archer will be turning 2 and he has seriously grown so much in the last few months that my heart aches, but I am so happy to see him growing and living such a good life.  We surely have our moments of tantrums, tempers, and meltdowns but that is life.  You see those perfect instagram feeds of the perfect, spotless house… Perfect put together moms + kiddos, and you instantly label yourself as a failure because your kitchen isn’t that marvelous and your lucky if you put a bra on today….  But what I realized is it isn’t real life.  Most of those bloggers photos are completely staged, (sometimes it isn’t even their house), and life isn’t always perfect.  Sure we all try to hide those imperfect moments from the social media world but why?  Why pretend that everyday I wake up, cook the perfect hearty breakfast, get myself all dolled up and go out with picture perfect intentions.  I’m lucky if Archer even get’s breakfast and seriously if I put a bra on today.

12One of my resolutions for the year was to capture real life moments.  You know those ones that you freeze for a simple second and think to yourself “how can life get any better?”  Those are the moments I want to capture of my family.  The moments that when I look back on in 20 years I will instantly feel that happiness surround my heart because I’ll remember how I felt when that photo was snapped.  I’ve been documenting Archer’s feet a ton lately.  I love his toes and how he has little dimples on them and they are chunky and cute and just full of life.  That is what I want to remember.  I find myself hating the images that I am in because I’m not happy with my body, or my looks.  I think that most mothers now days will agree that being in photos in the hardest.  But to hell with it and to hell with others opinions.  I’m trying to be the best example for my children and friends and frankly anyone whose reading this or looks to me as an example.  I want to show that it’s okay to not always look picture perfect or to have a little flab here and there.  I mainly want to show that life is imperfect and that is completely okay.  Don’t waste the days hating your body or your image cause life is too short and will slip away in a instant.

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This post was beyond random and I applause all those who read through it and hopefully got some sort of inspiration or feelings towards it.  It’s mainly a way that I can communicate with myself and hopefully look back on these posts in a few years and realize that it all had a purpose.  The weekend is near, you all can do it.

-Shalyn

The story of the last 7ish months..

28weeksI know that my heavenly father has a plan for each of us, while the plan he is giving me isn’t how I pictured this would go… I am trying to be strong and take one day a time.  This pregnancy was completely planned.  We started our rounds of medication and we were so excited to be adding another baby to our house.  With pregnancy #1 we got luckily and got pregnant the first try.. this time we struggled.  I saw person after person announce they were pregnant and it hurt.  I became different, I wasn’t happy.. and I wasn’t able to be happy for others.  I haven’t ever had a experience with depression but that is what I felt.  I lashed out at everyone and it hurt.  My Dr. upped my dosage and when it was my fertile time to ovulate I broke out in massive hives… and I mean massive.  They were all over my body and nothing was helping to stop them from coming.  It was a rough 3 days of dealing with them, but I hate going to the Dr. or ER for something that could be cured itself.  I got in a luke warm, oatmeal bath one night and suddenly had the urge that my throat was closing off and I was being strangled.  We ran into the ER and after some meds, it finally calmed down.  My hives disappeared but I knew that all this chaos with my body was not going to let me conceive a baby.

 

I cannot remember the exact day, but my best friend asked if I had a positive test yet.  I tested every single day during the appropriate time frame, i woke up at 7 AM took the test and within 1 min it was negative.  I crawled back into bed and cried a few tears and fell back asleep.  I look back and I was sad that it wasn’t happening.   Now I am not saying I have the roughest time getting pregnant and I am SO THANKFUL for my Archie boy, I have friends who have all odds against them so I tend to look at myself as being blessed.. but if you have ever experienced negative tests.. it hurts, not matter what the circumstance was.  It was a Friday and I was in the kitchen.. I got a photo message from Ty and when I opened it, it had a positive test with the writing “Were you ever going to tell me?”  I ran in the bathroom and I looked so shocked and so did he as he held up a test.. I said uh, those aren’t mine.  But he had just grabbed one out of the garbage to check it and it was positive.  I grabbed them all and laid them out date by date… sure enough 2 were negative, 3rd one was slightly positive and then the lines got darker and darker… I was so confused.  I felt so nervous so I took one last digital test that I was saving for a good day.. It took forever to pop up but it said positive.  LIKE WHAT.  Evidently you are suppose to watch it for 10 mins before ruling out negative or positive?  Which I had NO clue about.  I was instantly happy, thrilled, on cloud 9.  Weeks went by and I was fine and dandy, but then after some family circumstances it hit me.. I wasn’t excited about this baby, I was scared… nervous… sick to my stomach.  I had some mean things said to me that I won’t be able to forget and I became in such a slump I couldn’t even hardly function.  I cried so hard, I instantly puked and I never quite knew how to word this to people which is why we chose to not tell anyone until we got further along.  I just could not get on board with this pregnancy and struggled every single day.  We went to our first Dr app and I knew there wouldn’t be a heartbeat.. I checked everyday for bleeding because I just knew that this pregnancy was not going to come.  Sure enough first appointment, there was a baby but she couldn’t find the heartbeat on the doppler.  I had prepared myself for this because I knew there was no way there would be a baby.  We did a ultrasound and she saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound but my placenta was anterior so the heartbeat is very hard to find in the early weeks. I was relieved but still never quit felt right.. When we heard Archer’s heartbeat, we recorded it and played it over and over and this time, i just couldn’t get myself to even get excited.  I started to become more saddened over time.  Our next appointment I asked my Dr about depression and he suggested I go on some medication.  I wasn’t really up for medication because I try to avoid it as much as possible, so he suggested I find out the gender early and maybe that’ll spark my interest and seem more real.  We set up two appointments, one for a fun clinic in Vegas and one with our Dr office.  The Vegas appointment came first at 14 weeks.  We went down, and we found out the gender of our baby.  I was thrilled but again I couldn’t jump on board cause I kept feeling like “something wasn’t right” or this was too good to be true.  We hardly bought any clothes because I just kept feeling like I should wait.

2 weeks later came, and we saw our Dr. during these 2 weeks I had changed completely.  I was able to become a bit happier and actually start to look and plan for this second baby.  We went to the ultrasound we had set up with our doctor.  It was a added on fun scan that we paid for to have done.  My mom sat in the car with Archer cause he had just fallen asleep.  It was Ty and I and she confirmed our gender and then decided to look among other things.  She checked the heart, kidneys, etc.  But she kept going over stuff and I thought it seemed like a long appointment for just the gender?  She finally sighed and said she needed to bring our Dr. in because she sees a complication.  My stomach dropped, my whole body went numb and I cannot even remember the exact details of the next 10 mins it’s really all a blur.  She told us what the complication was (which we are keeping to ourselves for the time being) and i just cried… no i sobbed.  I don’t remember ever crying this hard before.   I kept hoping I would just wake up.  You go in thinking that you will have this perfect, healthy baby and when news hits you… you don’t know how to take it.  I immediately felt like a failure.. I couldn’t grow my child enough to be perfect and healthy… It had complications? What even was this?  I sobbed and we went and talked with our doctor about options and he said he wanted to see us back in 4 weeks at our twenty week ultrasound to double check everything once more.  The baby will be grown more and they will hopefully be able to get a better image to see the exact problems and will refer us to a specialist from there.

As you can imagine the next 4 weeks dragged on.  I spent several days crying and grieving over the news and I had a hard time looking at baby items and trying to be happy for this baby when I knew there were problems.  As the first week rolled by I started to be a little better and to start to accept the news that my child wasn’t perfect and wasn’t going to be born perfect.  If you are friends with me on Facebook you would clearly see that my heart was hurting.  A lot of people wondered if Ty and I were having problems because I clearly seemed saddened on Facebook.  The answer was no, Ty and I are better then ever.  He holds me all night while i cry myself to sleep and he comforts me while we talk about the future of our baby.  As the weeks went on I started to get more and more use to this info and even started to tell people that our baby was having complications.  I finally came to the conclusion that everything would be okay in the end.  I was still nervous for this upcoming appointment to see just what was wrong and how severe but Ty and I spent several nights praying and asking for guidance at this time.  We’ve done more prayers with Archer and we’ve felt the spirit guide us in the right direction to help heal our hearts.

Time came and I was suppose to head to my 20 week ultrasound.  My mom and dad had came down to come with, Archer was with his uncles and Ty got off work early.. However once again life got a little complicated.  I was getting ready to go to my appointment when i started getting a super bad pain in my back and stomach area.  I was honestly thinking it felt like pre-term labor so I called my Dr and he wanted me to head to labor & delivery.  Once arriving, I got situated in and was needing my blood drawn, I was so severely dehydrated that they couldn’t hardly find a vein and after 5ish pokes finally got me an IV and fluids.  After waiting 4+ hours for my urine test to come back, it came in that I was most likely having kidney stones (which was my second choice).  I spent the night in the hospital and missed my ultrasound.  Luckily, I haven’t had much problems since this little episode just a few aches and pains but I try not to overdue it during the day and just rest and take it easy.

Flash forward and we finally got in to see our ultrasound tech again.  I believe I was around 24 weeks this time when a normal anatomy scan was done at 20 weeks I chose to wait until after Thanksgiving and gave our baby a little bit more time to cook.  This appointment wasn’t easy to prepare myself for.  We went in and she went over everything once more but said again “I need to bring the Dr in to see this.”  I still cried and I still felt like a complete failure but I had a better grip on things.  She confirmed one of the complications but had said that the part 2, she was 90% positive it wasn’t there.  It is really hard to explain without going into detail over the complications but just try to understand without proper details.  I left feeling a little better but I still had my moments.  We got referred to a perinatologist at the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic.  Our appointment was set up to go get another ultrasound done by him.

Fast forward to this appointment I didn’t really know what to expect.  My neighbor had to see him with her first baby and told me a little but I still wasn’t exactly sure what to expect.  Ty and my parents came to this appointment and it was a very thorough appointment.  It took almost 2 hours of having a ultrasound done and they looked at every little spot and got very detailed images of everything.  Later Dr. Hales came in and started to go over the results.  He had confirmed that part that we knew along but also had said that Part 2 was 85% certain it was complicated.  (Which our first ultrasound tech said she was 90% certain it was not)  The news did break my heart.  This was more a bigger worry then the first part and he felt pretty certain in his diagnosis.  Again I cried, and again I hardly can remember the rest.  He then went over a part 3 that was never diagnosed.  This is the part that I stress about the most.  He brought us into a room and got out a book and started to go over everything that “could happen” due to this abnormality.  I bawled my eyes out knowing that all this could happen due to one little complication.  He wanted us to go and get further testing done but he said it was a newer test that 1. insurance didn’t cover and 2. did not always work.  We had a few weeks to decided what we wanted to do with this test.  I spent countless hours worrying and trying to determine what I should do.  Should I go ahead with the test?  Should I decline? In the end Ty and I felt that we did not need the extra stress and if this complication was correct that it was not going to affect our decision to keep the baby.  We were not going to terminate the pregnancy due to the test results.  We declined and I felt a sense of relief.  Dr. Hales wanted us to continue to see my regular OBGYN and also him.  He was also referring me to Primary Children’s to meet with the coordinator over our babies complication.

It took forever to come into contact with Primary Children’s due to the Holiday season.  In between this time we saw my regular OBGYN and Dr. Hales again.  My regular OB said that the baby was measuring 1 week ahead which is seriously SUCH A GOOD SIGN.  We met again with Dr. Hales just the start of the week and the news we got was so good.  The part 3 hasn’t progressed since 4 weeks ago (which it normally should have) which means that it is becoming less and less abnormal.  The baby is also measuring 2 weeks ahead and already weighing in at 3 lbs!!!  I have seriously been on cloud 9 since finding this little bit of information out.  I’ve actually been able to jump on board and finally get excited.  Not that I haven’t been excited but this whole pregnancy I have just been overwhelmed, scared and it’s kicked out the fun and excitement of shopping and welcoming a new baby into our life.

We will be meeting with Primary Children’s in the next few months before the baby comes to get everything set up for after the baby arrives.  I have been trying to keep my spirits high and focus on the better parts of life then everything that has happened.  I by no means have it the worse of the worse and I am so grateful for modern technology and medicine that will be able to heal and help our little baby.  However it doesn’t make it any easier on how it has effected us.  I am still beyond scared for labor and the future but I know that with Ty by my side everything will be okay.  I wasn’t sure about writing this blog post but in the future I want to be able to look back and see how these emotions and stories were.  I hope that maybe I can help someone who is struggling with finding out information on their baby and can provide a sense of ease.  No one knows exactly what I am going through as I don’t understand them but I am so thankful for the couple of friends who have helped me daily and checked on me.  I am also beyond thankful for my mom and dad who have dropped everything to accompany us to these appointments and help us during this time.  Archer’s Uncle Colten & Braydon have also been the biggest helps in being our babysitter with all these crazy appointments.  Lately I swear that I am living at the Drs office.

Sometimes I like to think that everything happens for a reason. I know its a hard term to live by each day, but I just feel it really puts more things into perspective about life.  Maybe I wasn’t suppose to go to that first ultrasound appointment at 20 weeks, maybe our baby needed a few more weeks to grow so we didn’t get misdiagnosed.  Whatever the reason may be, I can always feel the spirit with me and guiding me with my decisions.  This experience has tested my faith and patience in more ways then one.

Our baby will be okay.  It’ll be born and will be healthy just will have a few complications and bumps in the road.  I am hoping that nothing else pops up in the next 2 months and our baby will be born perfect in it’s own way.  We love this baby and we love everyone who has kept us in your prayers.  Please respect our decision to keep this information private at this time and don’t pester family members to try to get it out  (they actually don’t know).

I wanted to share this story that a friend shared with me, it puts into how I am feeling so easily.  If you are interested in reading follow this link and click HERE.

We know that life has a plan for us and while we may not understand it, we will love this baby.  Life has been a bumpy road lately, but I know in a few months everything will make sense and I will feel at peace with all that we have endured these last months.  If your read this whole blog post, I give you a applause.  It has been in the making for about 2 months now and is seriously SO long.

 

Until next time

Shalyn